've been struggling and debating with the idea of writing this blog...  
 
I remember growing up -- never really 'PLANNING' to have kids... and not necessarily in the manner that I didn't like kids or because I didn't 'WANT' kids... I was just in a stage in my life that I wasn't ready for them... wasn't thinking about them... and wasn't planning on having any. 
 
I envisioned my adult life with them though... dinners at the table -- laughing in sync and passing the food around -- leaving the bread bowl in close reach of course.... 
 
But actively saying... I want kids... No that wasn't me. 
 
Until I met Chase that is... I saw him as the father of my children. 
 
I had no doubts... And going through those scary years in 2011 and 2012 -- I was CERTAIN that I definitely...without-a-doubt... wanted kids... and I wanted them immediately.... because life wasn't promised to us. That I was certain of too. 
 
Fast-forward to some hard times with pregnancy and trying.... we give life to the most beautiful little girl I've ever laid my eyes on. 
 
Ava Lynn. 
 
Our angel... sweet as damn pie that little girl of mine. 
 
She's affectionate and cuddly... compassionate... ridiculously intelligent... and she's ours. 
 
And then the questions come... When are you going to have another one?! So when are you having another?! 
 
Man.. that weighs heavy.  
 
At this time... we have not and will not be actively pursuing any more children. 
 
When we were pregnant with Ava -- she and I were both considered high-risk -- which is still crazy to think about... she had to be monitored throughout my pregnancy in the event that she had any heart issues... Chase had his first heart surgery at a month in a half old. 
 
I'll never forget when the heart specialist walked in to one of our meetings and said.... 
 
"You're lucky you're having a little girl.... this gene is passed down through the male gene." 
 
Now -- I'm not sure if I loved hearing that or HATED hearing that! Grateful at the time - but it has left a deep-seeded fear in us. That if we were to have a little boy the potential for countless heart surgeries and a "less than amazing life" may happen. 
 
Are we selfish because we don't want another child because of this fear?!?! 
 
Or are we selfish because we decide to have another child and he endures so much pain!?!?! 
 
We don't know... we feel both. 
 
We are so happy with Ava -- we prayed so hard for her and I swear she is the best thing in our lives..... and she would be an amazing big sister...  
 
-Sigh- 
 
We've prayed over this... spent many many months discussing this... at this point we will be grateful for what we have...  
 
Who knows what God has in His own plans for us -- and our desires may eventually change... life might happen... and if it does, we'll be ready -- because either way we are SO immensely blessed and we'll know it's what He wants for us! 
 
We may not eat dinner at the table -- but I still eat all of the bread and we all definitely.... laugh!  
 
Ava fills our hearts to the brim!!! A family of three -- and a family so grateful for each other!