So I think today is the day... the day that I've been dreading...
remember... I told you... I'm a dreader
It's been a difficult.... but an AMAZING journey...
I would say that there have been times that I've wanted to even give up... but I can't... even in the hardest of times...
I haven't wanted to quit.
Not even now...
And it makes me sob just to even think about it.
I'm honestly not even sure how to do it... how to quit...
But.. I think today is the day...
Today will be the final day of breastfeeding....
We have dealt with thrush... excruciating pain because of it... mastitis... bad latching... sickness... supply issues... and it was hard...
But it was worth it and I even got to the point that I wasn't supplementing -- she went about 6 months without formula...
I remember when I first wrote about Ava Lynn and my thoughts on breastfeeding.. and I finally openly admitted that before Ava... I found breastfeeding 'weird'... but only because I had always associated my boobs with sexuality... I think most of us do.
But it's not 'weird' at all... It's one of the best things I've ever experienced...
The realization that ME... MY BODY.. was able to FEED a little PERSON.... was the most incredible - mind-boggling thing I have ever experienced.
When I had Ava -- I just thought... Well if I can at least just do this for a couple months, that'd be great...
And after a couple of months I thought... well if I could just make it to 6 months.. that'd be awesome..
And now.. 10.5 months later.. I feel accomplished... and so much like a failure.
Why can't I just make it to a year... or 14 months...
I keep asking myself over and over again... but it's something I just have to accept I reckon.
I've done it all.. the cookies.. the tea... the oatmeal... and the cookies are REALLY good by the way... I've even made Chase eat some...
But after some tears and some air punching.. I've realized that it's time.
I'm barely producing anything now... like after 36 hours of being away from Ava -- I'm not even covering the bottom of the bottle with one... and maybe an ounce out of the other...
Annnnnd I'm crying right now....
So I think it's time...
Today will be the last day...
And it's going to be difficult... and I know Chase is going to try and understand.. and he's going to rub my back.. and despite how amazing he will be....
I'm going to feel alone...
Whenever I hold Ava -- I'm going to miss it... I'm going to miss feeling so close to her..
I already do.
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